2004

Dec

28

2004

Breakage

Drowned in denial
simmered in skin
Break me down
I'll break you in

Delve deliciously into
cold and murky waters
I'll be sure to tie
you down
and set your heart
on fire
we'll always be
together (apart)
Meanwhile we'll sing,

drowning in denial
simmering inside this skin
you broke me down
and i broke you in

Dec

27

2004

Devotion

Fury:
a calculated, anticipatory
rage simmered in silence
and boiled boldly
without care
for aforementioned
lover

Denial:
a tragic antidote
to feelings of neglect
in a relationship gone
sour in the past 12 hours

Carefully combine the above ingredients for a beauty
so immense as to leave
you with explosions
inside and out

Terror:
Feeling bound in a cosmic
fit that leaves you challenged
but indelibly
weakened;

See synonyms: Love, Irony, Pain.

Dec

04

2004

Country

we held hands
and shed cosmic tears:
radiant and ebullient
in the grace
that was overwhelm,
sat satisfied
in what was then a nurturing
and symbiotic eternal
of faith, solid, and humor

together we embark on
the journey that defines
a cautious air of
optimism tinged with
layers of despair

noxious, we wait it out
and only time will
tell exactly
where
this
country
is
headed

Dec

04

2004

Turn Back

I stand in the pouring rain
with an enveloping sense
of the sardonic
and iconoclastic irony
of that which exists
inside and out
i refuse to believe
and refuse to secede
the principles of that which
give life, meaning, and
being

try me
buy me
twist me
take me out (like garbage)

I'm the spoiled
piece of luxury that
you cannot afford much longer

as i mellow
luxuriously
inhaling sharply on my cig
i relish every tainted breath
of love that fills my lungs
with velvet saturation
amorously anxious
i pause
for it's not quite
my time

instead i'll choose
erroneously,
derided i'll turn back.

Nov

28

2004

Harken

Painstaking concomitance
an eery echo
of poetic justice beaten
to a pulp and then some

grind away
work and hardship
with fallacies of "getting ahead"

see it
taste it
know it
but never touch,
you're not of this kind

tried
true and trusted
but never could accrue
a scantily clad subterfuge

Harken back the years
gone bye
say good riddance from afar
as disaster looms imminent

too much to handle
too much to bear
consistency the answer
but no where to dare
look back and sail away


all that's fucking left to say
beware
the days
to come

Nov

24

2004

Ending

Silenced Again

One more nail in the coffin
one more headache to mend
i'm tired of dealing
i'm tired of this dead-end
relation.ship

i want to sail
far away from
you
and i want to
stand a distance
back to watch
your sails
burn to the ground

and let a little sigh of
relief as this
turned out to be a little
more than i could handle
more than i could be

couldn't make myself happy
and couldn't
just couldn't be

.enough to fill this void
deadened is my middle name,
i joke about becoming anorexic
such that my body
would match my vacuous, voided
cavity of a soul.

it.just.happens.to.be.not.that.funny.

Nov

22

2004

Need a Pill

Dip me in a bath

of meaningless

existence

Stare me in the eyes

through your veiled, reviled

misery turned

production

And tell me that you love

me in no uncertain terms

Rip apart misfortune
Dangling despair 
far from the dreaded harbor

i fear it lives

Inside I'll quell my concerns

and you'll detract, dismiss

dislodge the abuses 

surrounding the circumstances

that have given us (all)

this point in our 

anorexic history

.a universe purged of goodness
and a bleak blanket wrapping (suffocating) all its
children 

so that it doesn't have to hear

her cries

for help, food, and joy.

Nov

19

2004

Align.Meant

Unwrapped, unglued
you lied to me, i lied to you
can't stand the separation
can't stand to be in the same room

tear the truth
like paper
stretched along the seams
i see rightly (as always)
and you've neglected me
again
i pin you
to the wall, you me to a pedestal

i'm ready to tear you up
you ready for my long fall

Down is another disaster
to be managed
another day to get through

i see sad souls solemnly swaying
moving to a rhythm that allows
them to
just.get.by.

As if another
day will afford an opportunity,
i see one more lost cause
and the rancor of this
existence
is as wholly
unfilling as i always thought
it should never be

Canned like soup
and placed upon a shelf:

you've been shipped, shelved, and sold
a bill of goods that
the man
cannot deliver

you lied, i lied
we tried
and couldn't be
-what they wanted-
and we settled
upon a green
pasture
of icelandic-like beauty:
alone,
each giving up a
piece of the others'
dream
in a cosmic alignment that provided what was missing:
stability,
or something as similar to
be thought of that way

.i cannot
cross where the truths
take me,
you cannot choke
where the light will guide,
together we follow,lead the other
in a fitfully artistic
dance called love.

Oct

11

2004

deadened

an interesting truth we share
in muttered occurances
of hyperboled humor (read: unflattering truths, too cutting to speak so casually about)....

i quietly suggest that
i'm.dead.inside
we laugh and I turn to the side,
cause if you caught the curl
of my upper lip
you'd see, and you'd know
that I'm starting to trip
over the times
that I've said that joke
and tended to look
away
is a place that i've thought about
an illusion to separate myself
from this existence
turned dis.as.ter
and i manufacture
great antiquities of
terribly ill-worded phrases

i quietly suggest that
i've been done for a long, long time
and that nothing will bring back the deadened years gone by
three to be exact when
i'm really wanting to blame someone
(read: you) but i know better
and it's probably more like 8

when i decided that a
wholesome acceptance
of my gifts would cost
me my world
by requiring a consciousness
to painful to bear
i deftly deferred
and suffered a more interesting
fate
of quiet
numbness and .despair. of not knowing
the potential that could be

art given up in
order to survive,
hindsight suggests
it be an oxymoron:

that ultimately
either road
leads to sudden
internal death
(read: of sorts).

and that's how i'll
imagine it could never
quite be,
whilst making cracks
of deadened selves
rotting inside
(me).

Jul

09

2004

pained

pain ripples through

whistles right by my door

and i cringe at the thought

of going through this once more

silenced by nothings

in and out of my head

i turned these day dreams off,

you told me they were dead

but alas they've returned

from their crypt

and you've sold out on your promise

an investment i could ill afford at the time

Enron seems mild compared to this crime

And you've taken what's mine,

fodder for your text

invested my capacities

and now we're fighting neck'n'neck

the only thing you didn't counter

was my vision of what's next

just cause i didn't share

didn't mean it wasn't there

and you've fallen

oops, not yet.

.die screaming, fast, awake

not yet, you'll remember silently.

Jul

09

2004

ever afters

given the chance,

i quietly

privately wonder

i stand naked

peering into the mirror

as if it will give

answers

i blankly stare back

not knowing what's next

and i catch a sinister shadow

beneath my eyes

that some say it reveals

the darkness of my soul

i don't question,

i'd like it if they actually knew

tomorrow, i quietly think to myself

in the mirror

tomorrow, yet i really know

Reflections are always pure

at best

dangerous at worst

and cautious somewhere in between

if given the chance i do not know

but i'll definitely wonder

in the meantime i'll search for something else

to bide my time by all their standards

and i'll create playgrounds out

of air - like you do creations of love, pain, and ever-after

Jun

03

2004

thank you

Thank You

i can't seem to generate

the kudos of which you deserve

but i'll try my best to

describe the situation

convenience was never

a subtlety that i ascribed to,

and you never really had a choice but

to follow along

the paths i chose, you were

that kind of person

excellence operated in the background

complaint in the fore

acknowledgement a whisper

thank you muchly

thank you dear

i couldn't have done it without you

and appreciate you for being near

.forever.

May

27

2004

gone again

dead poets collectively cry in graves

buried in works gone wrong

by poorly educated fools

called humans

sobs drown out the bitterness

addressing the victim in all that

is just

- desserts for the one who bites

- poison for the one who dreams

Dare to care and see how far you'll be flung onto another course,

you'll believe again

and i'll sing another chorus

here i am another day

today goes by and im fading away

slice, dice, off the edge

.gone by tomorrow.

May

27

2004

Anti-Capacity

I've been dis.empowered

feeling rather ill

life and circumstances

not stopping for how I feel

and all it takes

is one little stone

and I'm thrown beyond

the edge of the shore

move beyond my borders

and breathe before I quell

increase my capacity to absorb

the shock, you are a magnet

of forbidden angst

and no matter how i smile

you'll box me in a mold

i'll be x and to you i'm y

no matter how i be

: to you angry is a matter of

fact, your fiction dictates that

i must employ the most

forgotten of debates

and i'll forge a new

identity in vain as you'll gather

to declare my future

I've been dis.empowered

feel rather ill;

life and circumstances

not stopping for how I feel.

You will cast your vote

and my lacking capacities

will not provide adequate protection

for the earth.quake that you (i)

will

unleash.

Apr

06

2004

"I'll See You Later"

meet half-way between

a rock and a hard place

you, the jury is still

out and I can't decide

whether to sink or

swim

'cause this moment has lasted

much longer than I can hold

my breath and I feel

like this is just

too much more than was meant to be

are you sure you're okay and I'm going to live

Or is this another of your

desperate ploys to take

me down and pass your care

off as a chance to

touch

Silence drips across our lips as we smother the last goodbye,

not even a muted whisper leaves:

a smoke-like residue persists in the air and I call out, but

there's no one to care

Mar

26

2004

Should, Easy, Be

Joyous

anxious, noxious

not

Apparently

mother is a sociological construction

with fallible notions that can be disregarded by the cruelest of person

She left years ago, but clung to her loneliness, (read: oops i meant kids)

like her need to bleed her cub(s)

isn't bad enough

- place poisoned food

just out of reach but there

to make the slightest of salivation a

painfully obvious desire

the need to bleed

can't be felt equally amongst

those that are dead

(inside)

i read for ways to

move on

and cling to the hope

that you'll just make

it easier,

and i quietly realize that's

exactly what you're hoping for:

the fucking easy.way.out.

Mar

26

2004

Painfully Slow, Dri.p.

Suppression is

the key distinction

that i've lived inside of

been dwelling in a

sacred

darkly devestating place

i tremble

buckle

break beyond repair

-Time to move on

A quick glimpse over

the shoulder and i catch

the past sneaking

like a brotherly shadow

that just can't leave

my side

- suppression riddled

with temptation

of time spent along

with the need to

tremble

buckle

broke

beyond repair, i crumble

-time.to.move.on

Unfortunately, for those around me, not just myself,

i've built a dwelling and shelter, which supports the notion of

Suppression,

the key distinction

to live inside of

.a.slow.painful.murder.

Feb

01

2004

shit stinks

Pain

Cane

Wane

Three words to describe tonight.

The first, drips across my lips as I realize the length with which I've perpetuated a menacing myth,

and error of logic which promoted

aggravated jealousy of souls

The second becomes apparent once viewed appropriately in light of the addiction and dependency on this

so-called effervescent being and attraction that culminated in the death of one-too-many persons

The third is the fact that it's over, simple and sweet, slightly sour from the bitterness that will exude as

shit.hits.the.fan

Feb

01

2004

sold

Pressure rings an amplified drum

:

Shoulda trusted my gut

and deflected the incorrect answer

Shoulda dumped the dead weight sooner, but what can I say?

Money

Honey

Somber

Sold: Mercantilism at its best

Feb

01

2004

family

We'll all sit around

and pretend the pain

doesn't exist,

silenced by the fact

we're all being murdered

in a slow,painful, and proximate

death

Deny these burning feelings

and don't raise your voice with me

I'll defy your orders,

said boldly, crystal clearly

I'll hunt you down

I'll find you now

Don't tempt me

Deliver me

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Trust in the fact that you can't

answer, you don't know

You need me more than I do you

and I'm frustrated you can't under.

stand where I'm going

And I'll defend as far as I can

But, yeah

don't tempt me

deliver me, against this night

Defy me and

I'll hunt you down

I'll find you now

Enough, Pressure you?

Pressure would seem simply exquisite when I get through with you,

imagine internal implosion expanding your greatest physical boundary

:ripping.you.apart.slowly.

I can't think of any.thing that would settle the score

more evenly

than watching you cry

die

deny

your own miserable existence :

expel the fact that you'll never escape what you'd lovingly, coupled with hate (for good measure)

: family

Feb

01

2004

U R 2 Me

Burning

across the plateaus

called lust

is the most antipathetic

statement of the century

(last 3 months)

But when you're quenched in

inertia and drowning in hate

time has no relevance worth

recounting

and I've denied

tried

applied

no more without recourse

to deny

what's more than apparent and crystal

clear

:

Oppression, the story of today

is just as simple as your

blind denial of the facts

- hail the king of intimidation

Worship, and betray me

Minds well defray the cost of

believing in a love that

could or couldn't last

the latter has more tangible

value, but the former

includes great plausible and equitable gain - which, is really all this

about in our

capital.ist

society

sucks the life

and drains my soul

- U

do

Feb

01

2004

InDeed

A flicker,

a flame

is all i'm looking : read hoping, wishing, wanting for

But tragedy strikes

hard and quick

without warning smacks and stings

silence encapsulates systems

and suffocates

till you're smothered and covered

in plastic

a.n.t.i.p.a.t.h.y

Boil me in crimson oil

and devour me in your lackluster

being called: love

Silence me quickly

and silence me well

Cause when this is over

will I have a story

to tell

.indeed.

Jan

19

2004

go

...go....

Isn't enough

that i walk ....

Must i also be without shoe,

is my defeat your true intention?

Blister me with your acrid tongue and seperate me from what i've often

thought my.self.soul

Inspired? Deadened like a wilted leaf being drained before a long, cruel winter

Cold, like you, apparently

soft like a flake of snow

but hard like ice that

just won't remove itself from

your window, when you really have

to leave

....

go.....

Jan

19

2004

stall in bed

Excised

and bruised

awake for you

i sleep on nails

and bide my time

for you i will

neglect my own

mirrors afford a luxury that

i apparently can't offer

and you'll deny reciprocity

to see yourself

more

if looks could kill

those glances you steal

would collapse your heart

(much like mine in the face of

anti-love and ignored states i raise)

but we'll slip past

the shadowy sinew that's bled throughout the

relation.ship

has sailed, and i'm wondering if i missed the (life) boat

another time,

another trip

meanwhile, this is one

hard

fall