2002

Nov

16

2002

Never Ever, Ever Again

I thought you might say

you'd never believe me

but never is such a strong word

and I need to believe

cause it's all I've got

and I can't wait for the passing ship called Time to heal
and mend my wounds

I settle back and lick myself clean from the cuts of
dishonor you placed on yourself and inherently on me

I never thought I'd say it

I'd never think it true,

but at that time I knew I loved you

and this is never going to be something that will be
through

Standing at my window

full force throttle in the wind

I silently sit and wonder

which one should I let in?

Sep

18

2002

prick

"Prick"

.i'm the symbolic bruise

beneath the skin

that lays right below the

surface of detection against

the slightest touch

I flinch

For you are too strong

and I can't conquer where

your might leaves me

I'm dying and crying

vexed and buying some

more of this misery

before I ru(i)n out

of time to tear apart the

tragedy I've created -

and

b.r.e.a.t.h.e is not an

option I can currently afford

the currency I will pay in is

called pain, suffering are the bills

and sleep is the means of profit-loss

i'm the symbolic bruise

beneath the skin

that lays right below the

surface of detection against

the slightest touch

I flinch

-sometimes you are too much.

Aug

15

2002

screams of boys

I'd dress you up

to hide your frown

- make you smile

to avoid your pain (at all costs)

and again you'd be robbed your innocence

and again you'd be born into

antecedence, a long-lived familial tradition of placing
suffering beyond loss and granting being like their
seeing above 20/20 vision (next to impossible)

slowly you'll be swept away and

silence will rock and

anger will prey

upon your hearts content until it

wakes to see that

.pieces of you are left to be found at the feet of boys
who could never live up to the potential and pedestal
you placed them upon.

always called you a murderer of sorts-

I now watch you push them off the pedestal you built

screams of boys

will haunt you every day that you live

the lie

called,

.ilovehim.

Aug

09

2002

the other cinderella

Whispered Gardens:

told from someone else's point of view

Prick me harder

one by one

gnarled teeth gnawing

Whisper (licking)

"you're the one"

Meanwhile, I'm thinking

you're the nothing

I've become

and this is the story

of another cinderella

who's story goes untold

ignored because it's a

cruel novella

of love-turned-savy

depr.i.cation

Silenced harder

I'm on the floor

tell me nothing

then you tell me more

Pricked me harder

ten by ten

gnarled teeth gnawing

Whisper (licking)

"you'll soon be forgot.ten"

Meanwhile, I'm thinking

"you're the nothing

I've become,

and if it isn't one thing,

it's....."

and this is the story

of another cinderella

who's story goes untold

ignored because it's a

cruel.er novella than most

of love-turned-savy

depr.i.cation in the most

sinister guise

called fairy-god-mother

habits with whips-of-guilt

and spears-of-regret.....

Aug

08

2002

ring

With this ring, I thee wed

your pain, suffering, and sadness

'till the end

I'll bet you wish it was just me saying that, but you'll be paying just as dearly

mirror, the in look, i

a coffin and me underground

shaking-cold lonely and stored

in the earth

Blackness surrounding, much like these

last ten weeks have been

-if only I could have blamed you

and been the victim again - I do love the part

With this ring, I thee wed

your pain, suffering, and sadness

'till the end

It shouldn't be so painful, but this cold metal ring

wraps around my finger

- an analogy to what the relationship feels like at its lowest points

A deal is a deal,

and I'm with you till the end

Though the betrayal has left me wounded,

I'll lick the cuts and recoup.

There's enough sadness to fill several glasses of pity and still not feel fully gotten.

I look in the mirror

I see me in a coffin and underground

shaking-cold lonely and stored

in the earth, blackness surrounding, much like these last ten weeks have been

-if only I could have blamed you

and been the victim again - I do love the part - and you're so easy to take down and I wouldn't have to face how

v.u.l.n.e.r.a.b.l.e.

I really am with you.

Aug

07

2002

Enough Already

Ambition treated at our clinic

Fear appropriately fed with the most precious bits of denial

:

Cut the scene of jealousy

and pierce the viciousness that's spoken from the vulnerability you've placed yourself in this situation called love,

legs intertwined and hands laced in loving patterns

(I hate it at night when we cuddle and knees are in backs and arms are stuck in familiar places but it's shame to wake the other)

Enough Already.

Aug

07

2002

make me

Make me sick

and make me cry

to you I'll sing another

lullaby, retract my claws

and feel the blood

as it pools in my flesh remaining,

undone

I sink and sit

and wonder why

you've cast me here in this desolate

place

it's been a long year

with you

it's been a long life

with you

and while I wouldn't trade it,

I wouldn't wish it upon anyone else

anyone else, anyone else

it's been a long year with you

it's been a long life with you

and while I wouldn't trade it,

I wouldn't wish it upon anyone else, anyone else, anyone else

at all.

Vanity pricks you in the mirror and I say you've deserved that one coming a long time, never say never

and think you'll abide by that code,

it's rather costly (I told you that right from the start, and you never did understand the price till now)

It's been a long year since we understood the meaning behind love and it's costly enterprises

the danger of riding so closely and in tandem with the perilous yellow lines

called boundary, the carelessness of the thrill called whim

-and the pain the duty of honor can instill when appropriately rectified

It's not enough that I love you

It's not enough for me

and I can't help but stay here

in the helpless, passivity

I know I'm not bound to a painful,

Loveless destiny, and I know that I love you but it's just not enough,

(right now in this transition of upset and fear from the fact that I gave you my heart on a pillow right next to my soul)

it's been a long year with you

it's been a long life with you

and while I wouldn't trade it,

I wouldn't wish it upon anyone else, anyone else, anyone else

at all.

it's been a long year with you

it's been a long life with you

and while I wouldn't trade it,

I wouldn't wish it upon anyone else, anyone else, anyone else

at all.

Make me sick

and make me cry

to you I'll sing another

lullaby, and feel much better

the motherly figure

-the essence of "us."

Jul

19

2002

life

.Horses merge

white and black

8 hooves walking with similar tact

crossing valleys and through the fields

-

wonder whether they'll ever come back.

Jul

19

2002

i sit

.isitpatientlywaitingforyou.

Sometimes, I get so lonely

that I breathe against my arm

close my eyes and pretend it's

you waking me in the morning

.isitpatientlywaitingforyou.

that makes me so crazy,

cause if it is you've got

great magic over me

.isitpatientlywaitingforyoutocomehome.

Jul

19

2002

drown slowly

It's been a while since

I've written of you,

felt anything actually

just a constant ethereal blue

-it's not that I'm mad

or angry, just sad

that it had to happen

and end this way -

soon be forgotten

and ridden will lay

beneath my wings

you've clipped me far too long

I held my breathe, my tongue, my fear

all to silence what you never wanted to hear, bear upon
my weakened bones the news and hauntings of painful

mournings

-See sunrise like you see yourself,

consistent and steadfast in the simplest of facts that it
will never change but always burn

You rock the world like you rock the boat, just be
careful you don't fall out and

.drown.slowly.

Jul

19

2002

erasure

Ah, that's better I can breathe a little bit

Take my hand and guide me

You don't have to guarantee

It's not that I don't matter

you just don't have to explain

I've fallen off my latter

and you realize this rhyme is really bane

Written words like scripture,

carved from beauty and of pain

I nick them with more than bitterness

I slit them with more than disdain

but all is well at the end of it

and I can see you'll be back for more

.emotional melodies roar

through my head

like a freight-train above water

splashing upon me thousands of

unshed tears.

.emotivating melodies roar

through my soul

like a clacker of something

and a pinch of my whole.

Take my hand and guide me

through this

sheltered world called

humble and let me use my

skill against the elders

and against the words

create my set of knives from

splintered words and fallen

vowels...

Ah, that's better I can breathe a little bit

Jul

19

2002

breaths can hurt

A rhythm forms on the tip of my tongue

(my fingers willingly oblige and dance upon the
keyboard)

I speak of the beauty that I'm supposed to see and I
stumble-trip

over

ideas that don't sound quite-up-to-par

(with the-best-that-I-can-be mantra I've carved
into myself...)

The rhythm works itself out in ways I cannot imagine

(fonts become colors and lines become

tricks)

I love him, I love him, I love him, I love
him, I love him, I love him, I love him, this time....

(I cannot stop breathing the beautiful rhythm of my broken

soul.....)

.breatheinsoftly.

Jul

19

2002

Strike Thru

It's not meant to be this way

Just this time, it's not meant

Who am I to suppose

this isn't exactly the

way it's "supposed to be,"

a trickle of magic

drips upon me

and while all isn't well

I suppose it'll all work itself

out somehow, some way, some day

It's just too hard...

I don't think I can manage...

Who am I to think that

this isn't exactly the

way it was meant to be,

that I've been given just

enough to handle and

spill-over a little,

but able to clean up the mess

and create a new set

of tools....

I'm tired and torn...

I'm too tired....

Who am I to suppose

that this isn't exactly the

way it's meant to happen,

anyway.

Jul

19

2002

molten

.Transit. is the only word to

de.scribe [scrawl]

how I feel

[into my arm]

I run from that haunted place

Far, from my fears

of familial daunting and terrific

chills

Split my family down the core

and reap your havoc once more

.Transit. is the only word to

de.scribe [scrawl]

how I feel

[into my arm,

the pen's marks

bleed, bloody scars remembrance of the bitter battle that quickly

ensued]

You and I quickly flee

-nothing could manage or ever forsee

the difficulty or degree

to which the battle could

bloody lives with empty and bitter.ness

Split my family down the core

and reap your havoc once fucking more,

I'll be back and fit with the trimmings

to manage you and your anomaly called

fortune

.Transit. is the only word to

de.scribe [scrawl]

how I feel

[into my soul

the wars of the years

cut like the broken christmasses did when they happened,

like fire on ice -]

.imelt.

Jul

19

2002

touched

All these accidents

are about to be

cataclysmic catastrophes

balled into one

big

state of emotions

rise tide by tide

taking you and me

for one terrifying

ride and I

dive down to rescue

you from me

All these accidents

are about to be

climatic catastrophes

balled into one

big

state of urgencies

rise tide by tide

taking you and me

for one terrifying

ride and I

dive down to rescue

you from me

all is well again

and we're full of

love

you think you can't handle

and I know you can

:touch me

Jul

19

2002

Choosing and Being

Ounce by ounce

I feel impaled

my flesh plastered against

choosing and being

something I'm not

my carcus and carrion

starting to rot

into what I've never intended seen

cut the bullshit

and play the next scene

Me in the bedroom

you on the floor

He in the bathroom

me paddling from shore

you on your island

me the anchor

I'm starting to drift

and you're carrying me too

swiftly for I can't catch my breath

and I see our impending

deaths

on the side of the road

called fate lays two

Ounce by ounce

I feel impaled

my flesh plastered against

choosing and being

:what I call a committed lover

Jul

19

2002

hell

Veiled misery with pride

cause I couldn't abide

the strict honor code

of loving you with every

ounce of my soul that really-truly did

but could not let go

I sold my soul

a long long

time ago

with riches and jewels

of anger and doubt plastered

to the timber of my being

I veil my misery with my pride

caused my my stict honor code

of loving you with every ounce

of my soul,

that really-truly did

but could not let go

I sold my soul

too long ago

to remember

but not long enough

to forget

Pawned my love

for riches and jewels

came anger and doubt

by the cruel twists of

fates

the timber of my being

went to the fires

of where I live

now called

hell

Jul

18

2002

Living in the moment: Spewing my thoughts

This is the day,

that I go through,

what I've done and am going to do

when I'm up at night, trying to fight and forget the rest
of my life.

Why do I neglect myself?

My lover and my mate?

Why do I feel so intellectually inept?

Can my life be equated to anything I project and is it really worth it, the fight?

Why does it feel so good to go to bed? How can I enjoy w
hat I do in my life, yet love escaping it with sleep?
Am I missing something here?

Or am, I , over-analyzing?

Push me

project me

trip me,

protect me from myself

This is the day,

that I go through,

what I've done and am going to do

when I'm up at night, trying to fight and forget the rest
of my life....

Jul

18

2002

3 requests

"3 requests"

...the piano plays the chords of my heart

much like your smile plays on the strings attached to
my love for you

i see in shades of greys and whites, dull and cruel
blacks...but...

i hear in varying tones of mediums, ultra-left
and far-right possibilities.....but...

With you things are alive,

my life is complete, and

you're making me brilliant

and willing to push my possibilities toward realities
(which I hate and I love get frustrated toward you for
the push....)

With you I give a damn, and I care about myself, I see
things more clearly and hear things more wearily with
 the other side of the coin in the palm of my hand.....

Somehow though, I manage to spew out a vile
comment or two, forget that last sentance, it's all a lie.
I vomit crazily on you and then tell you how much
I love and care......

It's a shame how I feel so compelled to act in self
interest, not consider you there.......

and then I get clarity and then I get there, back to the
station of "love in the air.." the place you always bring
me to....

In case you never knew,

With you things are alive,

my life is complete, and

you're making me brilliant

and willing to push my possibilities toward realities, a
fucking scary feat.

With you I give a damn, and I care about myself, I see
things more clearly and hear things more wearily with
the other side of the coin in the palm of my hand.....

Please don't leave,

please don't leave me,

please don't leave me ever.

Jul

18

2002

S.kill

I've danced in the shadows of

the most glorious clouds

gotten glimpses of linings and given

chances at the getaways most people

would kill for,

yet at night I rest my bed

to sleep and echoes of the unlived day

haunt my pillows till I stir from slumber and swirl into a
r.a.g.e.

the kind that slowly exudes and reaches a point in its
demeanor that is

terrifying to the one on the

re.ceiv.ing end, but

that doesn't really matter when the mind plays tricks
and trades

anger over sadness -

I told you I've danced in the shadows of the most
glorious clouds and that I've gotten glimpses of linings
and been given chances at the getaways most people
would kill for,

what makes you think I won't?

Jul

18

2002

vision

It's been ages

since I've dared to care

Memories of the titanic

that almost sunk our love

and my visions

(m)aligning so perfectly

that even I forget for a second

that I'm human

and I can bleed just like the rest

the fact that I only see

glimpses of the future

doesn't make it any easier

the fact that I never saw

it coming is the burden price

I'll have to pay

but, it's been ages since

I've dared to care about my writing

dared to touch the electric part of

my inner workings -

touching memories, like that titanic that almost sunk
our love

I've avoided writing because

it's the spark in a body so full of fuel

- and my visions

m.align so perfectly,

that even I fall hard.

Jul

18

2002

regal

Cut the cord called ambition

and I will continue to lie at your feet

Mark my words with sedition

and form a treaty before you're quickly beat.....

Heard the drums the other night

dancing in the distance,

could've sworn you promised never again

to play for you know how they incite

the demons that love to play games

with my heart.....

Cut the cord called ambition,

Mark my words with sedition,

and quickly form a line

to bow before your king.

Jul

17

2002

struggle against

Struggle against

Struggle against

what you know

what you know

will be your end

will be your end

I know that I've mentioned

more than quite a few times

that I hate it when you struggle against

the current stream you place yourself in

your brothers lay drowning at your side

and you can do nothing by cry

swim beneath the ripples that claim them one by one
(ihearscreamsnow)

Struggle against

Struggle against

what you know

what you know

will be your end

will be your end

I know that I've mentioned

more than quite a few times

how angered and saddened

I feel and become because

this suffer.ing is madness and I want back the
numb.ing happiness that created lies oblivion
 (ihearscreamsnow)

You struggle against

struggle against

What you know, but neglect

what you know, but forget

it will be your end

they will be your end

...but you've placed yourself outside

my glass house for me to watch their

deafening screams and chilling

maneuvers to sacrifice honor reclaim their pride

Let them drown and let them be

-otherwise they'll quickly grab you

too, and I won't let that happen

as easily as they might have thought

Never underestimate the power of

a demonstrable and clear being.

Jul

16

2002

bitter left

Sit beside me,

drink some tea

it's about time I unleashed

the so-called-dragon fury

that fire-ball burning

in my stomach

-take me to that hidden place

far away from here

you've outgrown you're welcome

and you've passed

your last chance to have

another shot

-"redemption" will not be

used in discussing

your trials

Soon you'll be burned at your

cross

- you wanted, you got

Me the better

You more raw

I'd slice you and break your jaw

,my bitterness a tinfoil covering

to your pathetic attempt at

seconds....

Jul

13

2002

bee mine

Sting like a bee

and then come to rescue me

I'll be worthy

and you'll be my hero

(you'll be counting the ways to

reduce me to zero)

I'll feel empty inside

and you'll start to abide

I'll start feeling recover.ed

only to be left high and dry

by your apostolic approach to

the "good life" and

you'll start to sting like a bee

waiting for me to drop dead

like you will in 5 seconds...

Jul

08

2002

Love, Love

Candle light dinners

and pretty red boxes,

lies on top of lies,

all silently deceiving,

stuff my face with more dessert and shelve the feelings
of denial and repression for another night

I'm coming out to force it

I'm coming out to erase it

Sexy romances,

with pleasant love notes,

lies upon lies

all silently deceiving

.stuff my face with more dessert and tell me I'm thin,

shelve the feelings of denial and guilt for another night.

I'm coming out to force it

I'm coming out to erase it

.those little fairytales of what love is and could be,
all the happy endings you speak of - brainwashing us to
believe that love isn't work.

Jul

01

2002

noticed me

i've begun to notice

my words are like my paintings,

just vague enough

with a ton of dramatic

just plain enough

yet, elegantly refined

and as I hold my breath

for just another moment

I die inside for the desire

to spend time with you

trick myself into thinking

that this one last breathe

will s-t-r-e-t-c-h the seconds

I'm actually going to get

it was yesterday

that I began to notice

my writing is like my painting,

vague enough

and strikingly-over-dramatic

plain enough

yet, oh-so-elegantly-refined:

Me.